A 7th grade boy’s perspective on Child Birth Class

WARNING: This post contains irreverent humor and some technical terms that may gross you out.  If you have a weak stomach or don’t find middle school jokes funny, then you should stop reading now.  You have been fairly warned!

Today, Morgan and I attended our first and only child birth class at the hospital.  The hospital offers either a weeknight option that meets 4 Tuesday nights in a row or an all day Saturday option.  We registered for the weeknight option, but it didn’t fill up and so they canceled it and today was the only Saturday class open that we could attend.  So, we headed to the hospital at 9 AM and joined the other couples.  Unlike our last visit to the hospital, all of the people at this class seemed normal and actually wanted their babies (probably had something to with the fact that this class cost $80 and the hospital tour was free).  I learned a lot of things today that I needed to know about the pregnancy and the baby, but the first thing I learned was something I already knew; men don’t mature past the 7th grade…at least their sense of humor doesn’t.

I immediately found myself trying not to laugh every time a “medical” term was used.  In order to try and control my laughter, I reverted back to my corporate days and started playing a modified version of the “Corporate Buzzword Bingo”.  Every time something made me want to chuckle like a 7th grader, I would flip to the back page of our child birth class manual and I would add the word or term to my list of things that a middle school boy laugh at.  Here are some of the items on my list:

  • canal
  • forceps
  • mucous plug
  • membrane
  • gush
  • trickle
  • breast
  • latch on
  • surgical tear
  • rectum

Of course there were also several videos that made me equally feel queasy and feel like chuckling.

At the end of the class Morgan and I agreed that if high school freshmen were forced to do an entire child birth class instead of just watching the “Miracle of Life” video, that there would be a lot less sex going on.  Matter of fact, if we had gone to this class 33 weeks ago, we might not be expecting a baby in 7 weeks.

Sike,

-Robert

PS- For all you Montreat Planning Team junkies out there like Morgan and I, there was a time when we did a relaxation/meditation activity that was lead by a recorded voice over music.  Right as both of us were just beginning to relax the lady on the CD said “Trust the process”.  We both chuckled.  For the rest of the activity all I could think was “Can you live with it?” and “Let it go”.  Almost like I was playing the “Montreat Planning Team Buzzword Bingo”.

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4 Comments

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4 responses to “A 7th grade boy’s perspective on Child Birth Class

  1. Katherine M.

    I don’t care how old you are or what gender… “mucous plug” is funny.

    Oh, and so is the “Trust the process.” Morgan knows how much that hits home for our current planning team after our marathon planning sesh last spring. We weren’t too good at trusting the process, living with it, or letting it go!

  2. Katherine M.

    PS: I just noticed that there’s a teeny-tiny smiley face in the top right corner of the blog… what’s that all about? Do I get a prize for finding the smiley face?

  3. Melanie

    Might I suggest skipping the breast feeding class then…I was red through the whole thing and found myself giggling a lot!!

  4. Now I don’t feel so bad for having to fight back giggle fits at the ballet. Um, those male dancers wear some really tight tights. It’s bad enough the ballet is called “NutCracker” anyway.

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